| Stole this From Dana's Journal! |
[May. 17th, 2004|07:39 pm] |
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I want anyone and everyone who reads this to post to say something they would like to do with me someday. Then post this in your journal to find out what I want to do with you! |
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| Weekend Events |
[May. 16th, 2004|08:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Immortal" Evanesence | ] |
Saturday was my grandmother's 80th birthday, and in celebration my big italian family and I had a big party at the Saybrook Point Inn. Quite the posh place. Anyhow, we got there early, just in time for me to see a bride taking her pictures outside. I sat and watched and thought to myself, "When for me??" After many pictures and laughs, we went to the casino where I proceeded to win $100 playing craps. I felt really good all day, it was fun.
Today I woke up and had to go to NY to a bridal shower, which was your typical shower. Tons and tons of gifts, way too much food, and gossip. It was fun nonetheless, although I was very uncomfortable most of the time. I kept comparing myself ot everyone, thinking I didn't measure up, I felt so inadaquate that after spending 4 hours there, I really freaked out and begged my mom to "get the hell out of here". So we did. A long 2 hour car ride later and I was home. I changed and washed my car and after 6 mosquito bites, I came in and showered.
And now we finally get to why I'm writing. I loaded the weekend's pictures up on my computer so I could email them to everyone. That is when I had a moment. I saw myself, picture after picture and I was so disgusted with myself. I felt awful, my hair, just everything....I thought--why doesn't anyone tell my hair style is bad, or that my face is fat or that my arms are big. I just was taunting myself over and over again to the point where I wanted to cry. Add on the fact that I have eaten So bad all weekend, and you've got a crying fest on your hands. And Ladies and Gentleman, that's where I am right now. I'm so upset. Why can't I feel good and confident about myself? Why can't I ever see myself and have GOOD things to say? And WHY DO I COMPARE MYSELF TO THE REST OF THE WORLD! I'm never satisfied with just being me, just how I am. It's kind of an awful way to be. :(
I really have to work on it, either that or I have to lose 20lbs and get a new haircut. Either way, I'm open to change.
Well, I guess I'll go do laundry, keep busy and forget about those God awful pictures. What a mood I'm in right now, I just want to cry and curl up in bed and totally sulk (with ice cream of course.)
Viscious cycle |
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| It Ain't Over, Till It's Over......and it Ain't Over. |
[May. 15th, 2004|11:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "100 Years" Five for Fighting | ] |
I woke up this morning and decided to watch a movie in bed. I flipped on the TV and to my surprise, The Great Gatsby was on! (sexy young Robert Redford....but no honestly, one of my favorite books). I was channel surfing on commercial, and I found this other movie with Steve Martin, I think it was called Parenthood. For the next two hours, I simutanesouly watched both movies. There was something in Parenthood that really struck me. The family in the movie was going through one struggle after another and at one point, when everyone in the family was so upset and freaking out, the grandmother walks in and says "Whenever I would go to the amusement parks, I never understood why people went on the merry go round. It's the same thing, over and over again, it's predictable. You never see anyone on the merry go round really laughing, looking surprised or even overly joyed. I always loved the rollercoaster....full of twists and turns, and although the ups and downs would scare me, I never knew what was coming next and I always ended the ride with a smile, eager to do it again." That was her methaphor for life. And I literally sat there and got all misty eyed. HOW TRUE IS THAT. If life was nothing more and a series of predictable events that happened over and over again, there would be no joy or excitement to life. But life is full of the ups and downs, the twists and turns and scarey moments when you dont know what will happen next, and the joyous moments that make you laugh---and that, is what makes life worth living. And for me, going through the rollercoaster of life surrounded by people that I truely love, my family and friends (Dana & Allison & Julie & Neda)....makes all the downs and the twists seem that much more bearable. I love you all!!!! |
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| Do Things Really Happen For A Reason |
[May. 15th, 2004|10:37 pm] |
OK, so last week I ended up getting sick because of some guy at work who kept coughing all over me, despite the fact that I warned him that I'd get sick. So I got sick, and took Friday off to recooperate. (Bronchitis can knock a girl out) So I wind up sleeping, and generally laying in bed all day when I get this idea to spend some time online (what else could i do--daytime TV is about as interesting as watching grass grow...) I hop on Yahoo Messager, now--i NEVER go on Yahoo Messanger.......why I decided to, who knows, maybe it was the drugs. As I'm on there, I realize why I downloaded yahoo messagner in the first place, to talk to the guy that I used to date about 2 months ago....and on a whim, i see that he is on--so I IM him. (Keep in mind, I was head over feet for this boy when he aburptly stopped answering my calls, blew me off twice and then told me had found someone else, and he was sorry.) At this point, I'm thinking I just set myself up for another let down.........when he IM's me back. He says he's been thinking of me, being easily flattered, I entertain this notion and play on.........then he tells me how sorry he was for hurting me, and how he realizes that he was going through a rough time and he pushed me away. I naively believe him and he asks to see me again. Before my mind can even disagree, I type "OK--I think I'd like that." Before all you girlfriends of mine who read this miffed, I DID tell him that he hurt me a lot and that we were to only be friends (yeah right, please who am I kidding? I said that for effect.) So we shall see. I am excited about the possibility of Michael again, although he does live in Boston....I remember having a really different feeling when i was with him......I felt like I was 8 years old again, not a care in the world, that feeling I would get when I'm in Disney World. Hard to explain, but magical. I'm not sure if I should be kicking myself for talking to him..........or maybe should be excited, because we never woudl have talked again if I hadn't gotten sick and stayed home. I wonder if things really DO happen for a reason?
And the soap opera of Marilyn's Life contines..........
Quote for the Day: "Life is like the mail, sometimes you just don't get it."
Thought for the day: When asked, is the glass half empty or half full....I always say, "depends, am I pouring---or drinking???" Think about it! |
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